Saturday, August 15, 2009

Now, In Mainstream News: shakira IS pop IS shakira

Shakita Shakira replaces Michael Jackson as the new "Queen of Pop"

So, I stumbled upon an update from this bro I met in some college course we rarely attended and it mentioned Shakira's new song, "She Wolf." He stated that it was 'one of the worst songs he has ever heard' and I was up for a good laugh so I checked it out via 'YouTube.' And, I'm telling you this video has it all: Leotards that appear nude, hot chick in nude outfit in cage writhing around, lyrics you have to listen to twice b/c you're sure: "that can't be what she said," slutty outfits, spandex, and finally..."DANCING." Well, I guess calling this 'dancing' is debatable. I feel all hurt, and slightly embarrassed for Shakira's belly dancing instructor right now.

Are Pop Culture Icons Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera to blame? Or, maybe the blame lies with record execs/'MTV music video directors'/publicist/choreographers....who knows? Shakira's soul has been invaded.

Compare Shakita...wait...Shakira's 'She Wolf' video:


I'm not always "to cool for school" so I do listen to some pop music every now and again. And, I've seen many a music video awards show where Shakira has performed. The O.G. Shakira was there, belly dancing (semi-authentic) and throwing in some Spanish lyrics here and there (also, semi-authentic). Usually some douche-tard like Dave Navarro is on stage playing electric guitar and wearing eyeliner, believing his 'personal brand' is totally original and that wearing eyeliner and 'pleather' suits (made from material only ice skaters and gymnasts should wear) make him 'different' and will most definitely enable him to pick up very drunk hawt alt chicks that 'work' as impersonators for Britney Spears. I bet he's one of those bro's who still believes smoking pot makes him 'cool.'

Shit, sorry for the tangent, back to Shakita....I mean Shakira...sorry. That was a 'random thought/image' up-chuck!

Another side note...random thought/image: Everyone is in a effin' leotard now! Damnit Madonna!! And,!? What twisted planet avoided destruction and sent us 'Lady GaGa'???

...Maybe you're wondering, "How bad could it be?" You will soon learn for yourself. I'll start with the lyrics. A "troubled" suburban 14 year old definitely contributed. Let's dissect these ambitious, psychologically 'deep' words sang/howled by the body jerking, restless Shakira/she-wolf.

Opening lyrics below:
SOS shes in disguise
SOS shes in disguise
There's a she wolf in disguise
So...Calling for a SOS doesn't exactly give you the adequate amount of 'peaceful' time you need to prance around the forest as a strong, independent 'SHE WOLF.' But, whatev. SOS it is, shoot that wolf, it's Shakita...shit...Shakira in disguise.


A domesticated girl thats all you ask of me
Darling it is no joke this is lycanthropy
I guess this makes Shakita...oh no...Shakira a...
1. a person suffering from lycanthropy.
2. a werewolf or alien spirit in the form of a bloodthirsty wolf.
3. a person reputed to be able to change himself or another person into a wolf.

M'Effin LIGHT BULB! Alien, just Alien. I'm sure this random thought is somehow connected to my roommates obsession with X-Files. I fall asleep to Mulder and Scully....wake up with the zany x-files stars and even have dreams about them. So, I'm throwing the 'Alien Theory' out there. (what we do when we're too lazy to research/explain things or when we need to make excuses for 'artists') Possibly, Shakira was abducted and injected with 'alien spirit' which resulted in this 'wolf mutation' Shakira is squealing about. I'm just sayin'. It's out there! Moving on...

More Lyrics:
Ive been devoting myself to you Monday to Monday and Friday to Friday
Not getting enough retribution or decent incentives to keep me at it
I'm starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office
So I'm gonna go to my closet and get me a lover and tell you all about it
This devotion is every day...right? Is there a difference between
"Monday to Monday and Friday to Friday?" Am I missing Something?
Second line: "Not enough retribution or decent incentives to keep me at it."
i.e.: not enough oral sex and gifts/other bitch favors

Is this a simile? Yep, this line: "...I'm starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office..."
I'm sure that's the greatest comparison to one's feelings of being taken for granted/feeling
isolated/mistreated. Personally, I would have gone with "...I'm starting to feel way fucking abused like a
junkie prostitute disciplined by her pimp..." but, I think they both give an accurate description.
I suffer from crippling guilt/shame I carry around due to taking advantage of the coffee machine at my work. I have many excuses for my behavior.

And, going to a closet to find a lover? Going to the closet to make the 'transformation'?
Why the closet? How about: So I'm gonna go run into the dark and mysterious wilderness and get me a lover
and tell you all about it. ??

The Lyrics Continue:
There's a she wolf in the closet, Open up and set it free
There's a she wolf in the closet, Let it out so it can breathe
More talk of this 'closet.' And, now, dedicated readers....time for a...Random thought:
I could totally see Shakira Shakita hopping on the 'lesbian vagina's are the way to go' bandwagon.
Random Image of Shakira shoving her 'r' rolling tongue down the mouth of some alt chick backstage after
one of her 'stage performances.' I have to admit it's pretty hot...especially if she's in the cage! Yeah, but only
if you're deaf. Bummer.

And, on and on....'She Wolf' lyrics just continue.

Before you witness the "She Wolf" video...another random thought/image:

At first sight of that black 'cut-out leotard' Shakira Shakita is wearing in first scene,think: "Jennifer Lopez circa fly girl period" . How strange having one leg covered and one uncovered must feel...might be worried a 'vag slip' would occur.

Anyhoo, check out the video below and let me know what you think:

You can play the video a second time WITHOUT the volume and skip to the "cage scene." This brief performance almost makes up for the shoulder jerking (freaks me out!)...but can't save this hot mess of a train wreck attempt at 'relevant pop music.'

So...whether 'inspired' by Jane Fonda, Beyonce or Madonna (circa 2007-2008)...Shakira Shakita definetely has a "new sound." She has climbed out on the limb and that is so very brave, but...unfortunately...sometimes this decision/action results in a very loooonngg fall. The pink 'crystal cave' with Shakira in a cut-out leotard are, in themselves, a bit much. But, then, she begins to do something like...singing/dancing? And, she actually howls like a wolf. Really.
Random thought/image: Maybe a wolf could do a better job? Maybe the idea/revolution of a 'She Wolf' is not lost because one Columbian 'entertainers' had a sick interpreter one day and apparently smoked something because some 'Lower-socioeconomic status Mexican' told her it would make her 'legit.' Idk.

Is Shakira Shakita 'selling out?' Is howling like a wolf somehow liberating? Are 'She Wolves' Good or Bad?? Your thoughts on the 'Alien Theory?' What do you think about women in nude leotards...and when they are in a cage practicing yoga/sex positions/techniques?

Sorry for the negativity. Next time I'll attempt to write about an 'ok, somewhat relevant mediocre pop artist.' Too much poopey. Did that result in any random thoughts/images?

over and out. cobra-ho.

oh, wait, fuck super tall douche's standing in the front row of concerts/shows. Move you giant motha'sucka'!


  1. So, I have to comment on my own blog....because I forgot to make fun of something. Shakira putting her 'super long porn star' nail(s) in her mouth/on her tongue. so gross. germs. That is only acceptable in porns. And, those are definitely extensions. Her interpreter was not doing his/her job. She was fooled. I have to believe that. I can't sleep at night now. Afraid the 'She Wolf' will come for me. Motherfucking aliens.

  2. she could never work for 'that hospital' witdem nails