Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Line simulation

Glad that I arrived at the event an hour and a half early yall. There shouldn't be any trouble getting front and center/'first dibs'. Everyone else is probably going to show up like 10 minutes before, so it's smart thinking of me to show up with a couple hours to spare. This is much better than having showed up at the 'crack of dawn' also because not that many people do that anyway... just paranoid bros and people who do it for the adventure/the delirious high of no sleep/weird uptight ppl. So yeah, almost there. It's around the corner...


Ahh fuck. Holy shit, this is a long line. Fuck, really? I wonder how fast it's moving. Uh.

Does anyone know if this is the line to get in/see the show/get the new OS X?

Well we're in the same boat at least.

Let's bond over bitching.

Yeah fuck this line is fucking long fuck.


Just then a snarky bro walks up and tells us some Line Facts like how the line 'WRAPS around' at some point just out of view. There's a whole chunk missing. Not seen by the eyes of the beginning-ish of the line because this half of the line blends in with the later portion of the line. Kind of like those endless horizon pools from MTV Cribs that everyone got via 'ballin' competition'.

This line is 'fucking long bro'.

Is it even worth it to wait?

Does anyone know if it's 'about to sell out' or they already gave away the $300 off plasma TVs?

Can we hypothesize more. More of us should have our places 'held' so we can venture to the front to 'scope the entrance out' to report back with news.


Then it becomes a game of trust. Don't let them back into the line. Trick more people to 'scope it out'.

Is it ever REALLY important? Is this a metaphor for life in some sort of way?

Do good things always come to those who wait or do sometimes the stores of life sell out of the good shit and we're just stuck going home or buying 10% off bundles of CD-Rs to make the trip 'worth it' even after X amount of waiting. Is it logical to appropriate 'heavy cynicism' just because a metaphor for the waiting in line experience can be tacked on to life via trying too hard?

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Mid-Month Mix

Okay, so we're halfway between rent checks for my first off campus apartment and I only have enough money from my job a chili's to entertain myself via free music I found on the internet.  So, I'll share my burn list for the CD I'm gonna be jammin' to in my car with the windows down because I don't want to run the A/C  (not for Al Gore reasons, but because it just costs too much).

Late Summer Sampler:

  1. Phaseone - Marty & Sonietta 
  2. Music Go Music - Love, Violent Love
  3. The Clean - Tensile
  4. Neon Indian - Terminally Chill
  5. jj - Things Will Never Be The Same
  6. Weird Tapes (Memory Cassette) - 50mph
  7. My Summer As A Salvation Soldier - activismV2
  8. MegaMoog - Eleanor
  9. Phaseone - (Only) Reprise
  10. Friend - What Is It
  11. The XX - Shelter
  12. White Denim - I Start To Run
  13. Giant Ears - Fake Hotel
  14. White Denim - El Heart Attack DCWYW
  15. Julian Lynch - Onward Flour
  16. The Clean - Are You Really On Drugs
  17. Washed Out - Hold Out
  18. The XX - Basic Space
  19. The Smith Westerns - The Glam Goddess
  20. Taken By Trees - Watch The Waves (Memory Tapes Version)
  21. Retarded Cobras vs. Lil Wayne - Lollipop (High Seas Mix)
  22. The XX - Crystalised
  23. The Clean - Loog
  24. The XX - Fantasy

Download Full-length playlist here and burn it yourself!  Enjoy.

Tracks 1-12

Tracks 13-24

What are your pics for this month?  Do you agree that these are the alt songs of summer?

Your move Shiny/Cobra Joe/Cobra-ho.

Now, In Mainstream News: shakira IS pop IS shakira

Shakita Shakira replaces Michael Jackson as the new "Queen of Pop"

So, I stumbled upon an update from this bro I met in some college course we rarely attended and it mentioned Shakira's new song, "She Wolf." He stated that it was 'one of the worst songs he has ever heard' and I was up for a good laugh so I checked it out via 'YouTube.' And, I'm telling you this video has it all: Leotards that appear nude, hot chick in nude outfit in cage writhing around, lyrics you have to listen to twice b/c you're sure: "that can't be what she said," slutty outfits, spandex, and finally..."DANCING." Well, I guess calling this 'dancing' is debatable. I feel all hurt, and slightly embarrassed for Shakira's belly dancing instructor right now.

Are Pop Culture Icons Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera to blame? Or, maybe the blame lies with record execs/'MTV music video directors'/publicist/choreographers....who knows? Shakira's soul has been invaded.

Compare Shakita...wait...Shakira's 'She Wolf' video:


I'm not always "to cool for school" so I do listen to some pop music every now and again. And, I've seen many a music video awards show where Shakira has performed. The O.G. Shakira was there, belly dancing (semi-authentic) and throwing in some Spanish lyrics here and there (also, semi-authentic). Usually some douche-tard like Dave Navarro is on stage playing electric guitar and wearing eyeliner, believing his 'personal brand' is totally original and that wearing eyeliner and 'pleather' suits (made from material only ice skaters and gymnasts should wear) make him 'different' and will most definitely enable him to pick up very drunk hawt alt chicks that 'work' as impersonators for Britney Spears. I bet he's one of those bro's who still believes smoking pot makes him 'cool.'

Shit, sorry for the tangent, back to Shakita....I mean Shakira...sorry. That was a 'random thought/image' up-chuck!

Another side note...random thought/image: Everyone is in a effin' leotard now! Damnit Madonna!! And, seriously...wtf!? What twisted planet avoided destruction and sent us 'Lady GaGa'???

...Maybe you're wondering, "How bad could it be?" You will soon learn for yourself. I'll start with the lyrics. A "troubled" suburban 14 year old definitely contributed. Let's dissect these ambitious, psychologically 'deep' words sang/howled by the body jerking, restless Shakira/she-wolf.

Opening lyrics below:
SOS shes in disguise
SOS shes in disguise
There's a she wolf in disguise
So...Calling for a SOS doesn't exactly give you the adequate amount of 'peaceful' time you need to prance around the forest as a strong, independent 'SHE WOLF.' But, whatev. SOS it is, shoot that wolf, it's Shakita...shit...Shakira in disguise.


A domesticated girl thats all you ask of me
Darling it is no joke this is lycanthropy
I guess this makes Shakita...oh no...Shakira a...
1. a person suffering from lycanthropy.
2. a werewolf or alien spirit in the form of a bloodthirsty wolf.
3. a person reputed to be able to change himself or another person into a wolf.

M'Effin LIGHT BULB! Alien, just Alien. I'm sure this random thought is somehow connected to my roommates obsession with X-Files. I fall asleep to Mulder and Scully....wake up with the zany x-files stars and even have dreams about them. So, I'm throwing the 'Alien Theory' out there. (what we do when we're too lazy to research/explain things or when we need to make excuses for 'artists') Possibly, Shakira was abducted and injected with 'alien spirit' which resulted in this 'wolf mutation' Shakira is squealing about. I'm just sayin'. It's out there! Moving on...

More Lyrics:
Ive been devoting myself to you Monday to Monday and Friday to Friday
Not getting enough retribution or decent incentives to keep me at it
I'm starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office
So I'm gonna go to my closet and get me a lover and tell you all about it
This devotion is every day...right? Is there a difference between
"Monday to Monday and Friday to Friday?" Am I missing Something?
Second line: "Not enough retribution or decent incentives to keep me at it."
i.e.: not enough oral sex and gifts/other bitch favors

Is this a simile? Yep, this line: "...I'm starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office..."
I'm sure that's the greatest comparison to one's feelings of being taken for granted/feeling
isolated/mistreated. Personally, I would have gone with "...I'm starting to feel way fucking abused like a
junkie prostitute disciplined by her pimp..." but, I think they both give an accurate description.
I suffer from crippling guilt/shame I carry around due to taking advantage of the coffee machine at my work. I have many excuses for my behavior.

And, going to a closet to find a lover? Going to the closet to make the 'transformation'?
Why the closet? How about: So I'm gonna go run into the dark and mysterious wilderness and get me a lover
and tell you all about it. ??

The Lyrics Continue:
There's a she wolf in the closet, Open up and set it free
There's a she wolf in the closet, Let it out so it can breathe
More talk of this 'closet.' And, now, dedicated readers....time for a...Random thought:
I could totally see Shakira Shakita hopping on the 'lesbian vagina's are the way to go' bandwagon.
Random Image of Shakira shoving her 'r' rolling tongue down the mouth of some alt chick backstage after
one of her 'stage performances.' I have to admit it's pretty hot...especially if she's in the cage! Yeah, but only
if you're deaf. Bummer.

And, on and on....'She Wolf' lyrics just continue.

Before you witness the "She Wolf" video...another random thought/image:

At first sight of that black 'cut-out leotard' Shakira Shakita is wearing in first scene,think: "Jennifer Lopez circa fly girl period" . How strange having one leg covered and one uncovered must feel...might be worried a 'vag slip' would occur.

Anyhoo, check out the video below and let me know what you think:

You can play the video a second time WITHOUT the volume and skip to the "cage scene." This brief performance almost makes up for the shoulder jerking (freaks me out!)...but can't save this hot mess of a train wreck attempt at 'relevant pop music.'

So...whether 'inspired' by Jane Fonda, Beyonce or Madonna (circa 2007-2008)...Shakira Shakita definetely has a "new sound." She has climbed out on the limb and that is so very brave, but...unfortunately...sometimes this decision/action results in a very loooonngg fall. The pink 'crystal cave' with Shakira in a cut-out leotard are, in themselves, a bit much. But, then, she begins to do something like...singing/dancing? And, she actually howls like a wolf. Really.
Random thought/image: Maybe a wolf could do a better job? Maybe the idea/revolution of a 'She Wolf' is not lost because one Columbian 'entertainers' had a sick interpreter one day and apparently smoked something because some 'Lower-socioeconomic status Mexican' told her it would make her 'legit.' Idk.

Is Shakira Shakita 'selling out?' Is howling like a wolf somehow liberating? Are 'She Wolves' Good or Bad?? Your thoughts on the 'Alien Theory?' What do you think about women in nude leotards...and when they are in a cage practicing yoga/sex positions/techniques?

Sorry for the negativity. Next time I'll attempt to write about an 'ok, somewhat relevant mediocre pop artist.' Too much poopey. Did that result in any random thoughts/images?

over and out. cobra-ho.

oh, wait, fuck super tall douche's standing in the front row of concerts/shows. Move you giant motha'sucka'!

Friday, August 14, 2009

BlogWeek in Review:

Okay, so I know I haven't posted in a couple days, but that's because my mom was using the family computer to check her hotmail and she found some stuff in the internet explorer's history that I forgot to clear from the cookies.  Now she is really pissed and doesn't understand why I'm looking at a porn site where old hippie swingers trade pics of each others saggy genetalia.  I can never tell her the real reason I went to those sites was so I could contribute that meaningful peace about the bro humpin his SUV.  If she discovers this blog she'll probably send me to some type of christian private school where everybody sings songs they learned from the Disney Channel.  She was so upset that I looked at porn, she decided to set me back in the stone-age by not letting me use any devices that connect to the internet.

I felt so eighties, but without all the zany outfits and catchey tunes, instead i was stuck with just the opportunities to be authentic that don't involve Photoshop, Abbyton, FruitenLoops, GarbageBand, TwitFaceSpace, or BlogDot.  I had to rely on other forms of entertainment.

 I've never been so bored.  I tried to talk to my sibling but she said I was a creep and an accident and the only reason I'm here at all is because mom used to drink.  I then reminded her that she's just mad cause the school mom made her go to (when she caught her Lezzin out on the softball team) wouldn't let her bring a same-sex date to prom.  

Then I tried to practice guitar so I could be an Indie-rockstar one day, but after only a couple minutes I got frustrated and decided to quit.  Guess I could still be a star like that guitar Bro from the Dirty Projectors.  

Next, I tried to watch TV, but my mom unhooked the cable in my room so I could only pick-up some local channel that was playing the tries Waytoohardtobe Zany show: Scrubs.  I watched it for like five minutes then I had to walk away and take some Addy cause Zach BraffBro's character kept distracting me with his eyebrows.  When I came back I thought about watching porn but because I couldn't go online, I was only left with those mags i stole from my uncle and that VHS tape.  I was gonna watch the VHS tape but I couldn't figure out the VCR because I'd never actually used it before by myself and the disc menu never would come on.

So, instead of getting discouraged I found my iNanoPOD classic and put on my headphones.  I listened to some tunes that I got off that invite-only torrent tracker that highschool kid sent me an invite to.  Fortunately I was able to download some advances a couple weeks ago so I could still be slightly ahead on the alt music scene.  The only problem was I couldn't check out any blogs to tell me what tracks to skim through and what tracks to skip to.  

Of the stuff I DL'd I guess I'd have to say that these are some of my fav tracks:

Taken By Trees:  Watch The Waves (Memory Tapes Version)  MP3

Atlas Sound - Walk a Thin Line (Fleetwood Mac Cover) MP3

Washed Out - Hold Out MP3

Zomby - Helter Skelter MP3

and finally one that is not new, but is still worth listening to (it makes me want to kidnap my very own kewt aZn)

Megamoog - Eleanor MP3

oh and fuck fleetwood mac and everyone who listens to them


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Is this old Bro trying to tell us something?

Not really sure what is going on in this pic.  At first glance it looks like a normal gross looking fairy trying to snuff out his wang via Carbon Monoxide poisioning because he can't afford the expensive surgery to turn him into a real post-op trannybro.  My second thought was that he couldn't afford the procedure because he drives an SUV and gas prices are too high.  

Then after another moment of reading the emotions this person is trying to convey to his audience, I felt that this man's pain is much deeper.  The pain of this man's gender confusion can in no way compare to the pain he feels whenever he tightens his tie before getting out of the elevator, on the floor of his office at his marketing job.  

He knows that the man his colleagues know is not the man he really wants to be.  He can no longer make love to his wife (while he pretends she's the girl that works at the chili's bar).  He can't talk about football with his friends (while imagining the football is his wife/mother/boss/testicles).  He can't even go to church (where he pretends the priest is the alterboy).  This is it, this is him telling the rest of society to go fuck their ties, offices, sports, priests, and SUVs.  Do you see the connection?  I think if he were to give verbal advice, that didn't involve lingerie and his exposed testicles, it would be to:  Be urself;  Be authentic.  

I guess I could be wrong, what are your interpretations?

Is he:

doing some sort of emissions test?  pretending he had a better car?  trying to get a sweet branded-on cockring?  high on crack/ecstasy/pcp/viagra/life?  

furthermore, What is this Bro's personal Brand?

fuck cockrings.


Monday, August 10, 2009

The authentic branding of New Orleans, will it happen?

The universe of 1970s New York City looked nothing like we know it today. I wasn't there but I heard about it. Before the 'ultramodern' days when terrorists were creepily jealous of it, before rent cost more per month than the entire net worth of your personal brand accumulated over a lifetime, and before its most precious alt styles became overabundant, packed up, and exported/mainstreamed...
(example: compare the Urban Outfitters catalog to JC Penny's 2009 'Back 2 School Sale')

... there was a time when NY's resources were fresh, new, and authentic.

In the old days it wasn't hard at all to find living quarters that fell along the cost spectrum of dirt cheap to pretty damn low. In many areas, its streets were buckling and abandoned buildings were crumbling. It resembled a war zone at times. It was not a place that your 'totally lame parents' would have chosen to migrate (via suburban sprawl).

illustrative scene from authentic movie Downtown '81

But it was the people who WERE filling up the city during these unique times that made New York's magical relevance still echo decades later.

In the late 70s, punk had reached its apex and the mystique of the product attracted 'artistic bros/chicks' from all over the country to take part in the cheap, easy, rugged, real environment. This community coalesced and what happened was something to blog about. The output was bangin' (arguably), most importantly (also to argue) it gave rise to new wave, no wave, and post-punk, some relevant music aesthetics which can be easily Wikipedia'd. The aftershocks have lasted up to the current state of music today.

What can't be denied was the brute force and cohesiveness behind New York's art scene at the turn of the decade into the early 80s. Today, excellent/shit bands are still exported regularly and it is a chill dream of many to 'move to New York' to be a part of the big and relatively stable music/art scene. But that's why nothing TRULY groundbreaking is happening in the same sense that it did back then. Things are either gradually progressing or staying the same, because it is all indeed, pretty stable.

In order for something huge to happen that goes against the grain and gives those participating a feeling of exuberance for something groundbreaking, the ingredients must be mixed in the right place at the right time. Some place just as desolate yet promising as late 70s New York. Some place that is affordable and has a history that creative people will be inspired by. A place to chill and start a relevant, new community. And, yeah you guessed it by the title of this blog entry, New Orleans could be that place.

illustrative scene from authentic Hurricane aftermath, downtown '05

Hurricane Katrina booted a lot of the natives and left many chunks of the city empty. As a result, rent is lower than like every other major city in the country and it isn't hard to find a job in this bad economy world. It is already attracting people who, post college, can't find a job elsewhere.

New Orleans is cheap. There are hipsters aplenty and an American Apparel on Magazine street. There are tite ass clubs and empty warehouses dotting the city. Somehow, tourist guide books still think of New Orleans as a relevant music city even though the significance of jazz died a long time ago and most modern bands either skip Louisiana entirely on tour or go to Baton Rouge instead (due to better booking there). And the local scene feels loose and sporadic. But with all of the necessary ingredients there and the cultural consensus still leniently calling New Orleans a 'hotbed of music' in the absence of anything important (hint hint), I just have to ask:

New Orleans, where is your revolution?

You three tell me. Let's look at what could be in store.

New musical crossbreeding with styles already dormant in the city

1.) Jazz + experimental pop = something post-post-Animal Collective
2.) Sludge metal + your ideas to make a 'noise rock' band that sounds like the band HEALTH and/or Teenage Jesus and the Jerks = something bigger than yourself
3.) Bounce + electrodance bloghouse = who knows, sounds like a good party starter to me. 'what's the name of yr skewl?'
4.) Blues + meaningfulcore (via Postal Service/DCFC) = extremely meaningfulcore
5.) Music style from New Orleans + modern indie genres + any of the bands on noladiy.org = ______

Miscellaneous things that would happen in the Authentic New Orleans Renaissance

-NOLA.com would become the new Village Voice
-chill artists from around the country would sell their 'clunkers' and move into the Garden District in the 3rd quarter of 2k9
-gentrification of the 9th Ward
-the city's version of MSTRKRFT would feature 5th Ward Weebie on their second album
-in 2035, original members of the renaissance scene would report meeting at and being inspired by a 'seminal' Caddywhompus or Retarded Cobras show for the nostalgic DVD
-if you're a local, the kid you picked on in middle school could be the next David Byrne
-streetcars would get longer, service the entire city, and a map of the streetcar routes would be a permanent addition to the walls of on-campus housing common areas at UNO/Tulane
-Cox Cable public access networks would showcase modern versions of shows like 'TV Party' (shot amateurishly with an iPhone)
-Someone named Mike Pemdas would be more relevant than anybody that you know
-Peach's Records and Tapes would become the new Other Music, or a closed down predecessor to that business

-Your father: the next Woody Allen?

-One Eyed Jacks/ Howlin' Wolf/ The Republic: the next CBGBs/ Mudd Club/ Beat Kitchen (respectively)?

What about the cities surrounding New Orleans?

Once the Authentic New Orleans Renaissance causes the city to become overwhelmed with cheap imitations/the mainstreaming of the original, awesome, authentic bands and culture of the movement, New Orleans itself will become akin to a bulging and overcrowded Manhattan. The surrounding areas will become the other boroughs of New York to which the focus will then shift.

After New Orleans becomes a more expensive area to live and is no longer the actual birthplace of bands but an area with sweet ass relevant/classic venues for those bands to play and gauge how 'big they've become', authentic creation process itself will move to Baton Rouge. Baton Rouge will become the new Brooklyn a few years later. Actual Brooklyn became the new Actual Manhattan several decades later, but as we know from the book Future Shock, society will only keep speeding up and transience will increase by over 9000 times.

Spanish Moon/Chelsea's = the next Music Hall of Williamsburg/Bellhouse?
Smiley Anders = the new Robert Christgau?
The future Matt & Kim doing a press photo bungee jumping off the Port Allen bridge?

Lafayette will become Queens, the area which will 'never be cool' due to being the living space of many families who have no sense of what's hip (but instead traditional values of the area). But it will still export the occasional cool band attending college there, who has access to the Internet, into Baton Rouge/New Orleans. Like the current band GIVERS, who once upon a time opened in Baton Rouge for the band The Dirty Projectors. In the post-New Orleans world, no one will remember The Dirty Projectors and their Myspace account will be deleted.

The logical end of the Authentic New Orleans Renaissance: '90s revival' in the next decade -or- the 2015 Hurricane Season?

Never forget.

Well, if there is one quote that I could lift as advice for New Orleans, it would be 'Choose Yr Own Adventure, yall', the title of the debut release by the originally northwest-based band The Pharmacy, who moved to New Orleans earlier this year in order, intentionally or not, to get in on the impending AUTHENTIC RENAISSANCE before it really takes off. Go hard. Let this be the year that 'riverwave' begins, the Saints win the ALTbowl, and your band opens for 311 on 311 Day/ Memory Cassettes on Memory Cassette Day.

Oh and fuck natty disasters.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

The xx: Hip new UK band or next generation of sexuality?

I just heard of this new club for tween swingers: The xx. It's an underground society located within the suburbs of the UK. Here any freak can get their chance to do whatever type of slippery shit it is that they feel the more popular kids at their high school do with girls buzzin' on cough syrup and laxatives. They can just be themselves and still find someone to cum in/on without all the pressures that come along with maintaining an image that conforms. Here a generation of MTV watchers who mature to abandon the sophomoric network only to begin viewing MTV2, or FuZe, can set aside all their heartache and rejection and finger the girl next door, u know the one with the father that drinks.

I just know that this gothchill group, of KeLLi OZZyBOUrne fans, is the hottest foursome I've seen since that Blazzin' AZNs vid I Dl'd and stored away on that flash drive I hid under my mattress so my mom didn't find it. They are all I'm gonna be listening too next year when I go to college because I want to hookup with all the alt/hot girlz who will listen to this while reading Sylvia Plath. I know these are the girls for me. These girls, like myself, are the ones who don't quite fit into the Hollister wearing, Chili's eating group of mainstreamers that listen to FM radiostations above 100 MHz. I know I will find the girl that can make me Altgasm like no other in a quaint coffee bar or thrift store while this song is playing on that Iphone i'm getting for graduation.  

I can't wait to go away to college next year and leave all these uptight brittney spears lovin bitches behind while I go away to have sex with chicks that could never be cheerleaders but are not fat and don't have too many obvious physical deformities. I know that next year is going to be great because my cousin is already going to be living in town but off campus and he can buy us sparks and hiLiFe and Jager, like whenever so. Holla at me this fall and we'll get really wasted and experiment with college girls! I feel like things are finally going to happen for me when I get out this town and it's all because of The xx. 

Oh and Fuck Chili's!